Hannah

Hannah

There was a man who had 2 wives. One had many sons and daughters whereas the other had none. Hannah desperately wanted children. She went to worship year after year. She still served God. She prayed for a child. I'm sure there were lots of questions and maybe some doubts.

She had to live with another woman who was fertile. She had to live with her as she carried, birthed and cared for the very thing she desired. And this woman TAUNTED her about it.

I have been struggling for a while. I have friends who are adding to their families, some whom I have had infertility heart to hearts with. About how it is hard. About how no one ever really preps you for this. No one talks about it before you are married (at least in my circles). Sometime babies "happen" and sometimes they don't. No one talks about tracking and charting and checking temperatures and cervical fluid. But, out of all the people I have talked to the past little while, I have never had one of these women taunt me. And Hannah was barren for many years so we can assume she was taunted for years as well.

And yet she cries to God. Her prayer was so fervent that she could not speak and was mistaken as a drunk woman. She prayed. That was her reaction. She bent her knees and talked to God.

Now I must admit, I have struggled with my faith. in so many things going wrong I started to question God, His plan and what it meant for me. I stopped praying, I was so angry and saddened. I felt God was so silent. Every time it seemed He blessed us He took SO much away as well.

I remember the first time my sister made it all seem normal. Like I wasn't the only one. It shook my world for a bit. And then speaking with a really good friend about life and loss, I knelt and prayed that day for the first time in a really long time. I prayed about everything. Promises and losses. Struggles. I poured my heart out to my heavenly Father. In it all I felt lead to look at all His promises. To remind myself that He is ever faithful and I am not unique to my situations. There is nothing new under the sun. Ain't that the truth?

So as my journey continues into God's promises to many women in the bible for fertility in particular, I pray the words I read be a comfort to my soul and may the lines for communication to God never be closed for that long again.

With love,
Mandy

Sarah

Borrowed from http://www.ifequip.com/

Fertility

What has really been on my heart all along. 

Jeff and I have been married for over 2 years. We have talked about having kids. And it just seems like so many things in life have told us no before really even trying. Every step in the "right" direction, every small tip toe to some form of financial or life stability and we seem to have a major fallback. 

Many people told us you are never totally ready. So we decided to try. And try. And try. And got a whole lot of nothing. So we figured we didn't maybe really understand when to time things.

So we researched. I have been taking temperatures and tracking and charting. And everything is so unpredictable. We have found a lack of pattern. So I went to the doctor and found out a small amount of information. And now have been referred to a gynecologist. As the date is over a month away I continue to study and pray.

Today my heart has turned to Sarah. She was older and past child bearing years. But God saw fit to give her a son. Not in the way she thought or orchestrated before God told he she would have a child. She had Abraham sleep with her slave Hagar. She used her own means to produce the heir she thought Abraham needed. God appeared later and promised her a son of her own. 

When Abraham had been told Sarah would have a son, she laughed. She was doubtful of God's promises. Sometimes I feel the same way. Doubtful.Like we'll never figure this out. Like we'll always be childless. But nothing is impossible with God. Its one thing I must remember daily. 

Pray for me friends.

~Mandy

Ruth

 

borrowed from https://twitter.com/karijobe/status/347716080753598464/photo/1

Ruth.

What a woman! She willingly up roots her entire life to follow her mother in law, to stay with her and move to a strange land. She rejects the gods of her childhood, the life she was raised in to follow the one and only God. 

I can relate. I moved, completely uprooted my life, found a new job, moved to a strange house and surrounded myself with people I do not know (twice in 2 years!). And it is terrifying! Not to mention I have terrible anxiety. This has definitely doubled it. At least. 

So, I talked in an earlier post about how Ruth refused to leave Naomi. In fact, she went as far to say she would follow Naomi AND her God. She left the gods of her family to follow God. Now the bible doesn't say why or how she came to faith, just that God had chosen her. This woman had such faith in God that she trusted in Him completely to care for her. She left everything she knew to follow Naomi's God back to the promised land. She trusted in God's plan for her life.

When they move back, God provides work and food for Ruth to be able to care for Naomi. He provides a family member willing to care for her and Naomi and continue their family line. God thinks of everything! And it is not a smooth, straight forward path. I am sure there were many times that Ruth wondered where God was leading her. She wandered from field to field for food. God lead her to Boaz's field. Naomi explained to have Ruth lay at Boaz's feet, yet did not reveal why. Boaz even had to negotiate with a closer relative to be the one to care for Ruth and Naomi. But God saw everything through perfectly. And seeing the big picture, this was ALL a part of God's plan of salvation.

God has a plan, I have to trust He has a plan! Things have not been easy, the road has been FAR from smooth for me. But I am seeing just a tiny bit of the plan. One small agonizing step at a time, a few victories, a lot of failures. What is it all coming to??

The story of Ruth reminds me that even for her there were so many twists and turns. But it all worked out for her benefit and God's glory. And though the story seems short, it in fact probably took course over a long period of time.

Wait on God. Wait for His timing. Trust in His plan.
God give me strength.

~Mandy

Naomi

I wanted to start writing about women in the bible and I wanted to start with Ruth. I feel a connection with this woman for some reason. But as I started reading about her, I was struck by another woman in this story.

Naomi.

We don't know a whole lot about this woman. But the story of Ruth starts with the story of Naomi. So let's start at the beginning. There is a famine in Israel. Elimelech and Naomi and their 2 sons move away to follow the food. I am sure the worry to feed her family was almost as much as leaving her homeland. They were also moving into a land whose people served other gods. She and her husband along with their two sons pack up and move away to where they can find food to eat. They are refugees in a strange land with no family connections or land.

Some time later, (the bible doesn't say how much time has passed) Elimelech dies. She is left with 2 sons and no husband. Her sons take unbelieving wives. And then 10 years later, both her sons die. So now Naomi is left without someone to care for her, she also has 2 daughters-in-law who are left in the same situation. So Naomi does what anyone else in her spot would do. She packs up and heads back to her homeland, my guess is in desperate hopes SOMEONE in her family will take her in. She hears in the fields that God has visited Israel. The famine is over. She leaves and her daughters-in-law come with.

At one point Naomi tells them to go back "to their mothers house". They weep and say they will continue on with her. When Naomi insists, Orpah goes back to the safety of her homeland and her family. But Ruth, she clings to Naomi and goes with her (more on this later).

Now, I am sure Naomi is confused. Why would this girl leave everything she had behind, all the familiarity of her gods and the connections of her family,? He chance to have another life with someone from her homeland. But Ruth so sweetly professes her faith in God and her insistance in going along. Naomi protests no more. Not only that, it appears Naomi comes to care for Ruth as she would for her own daughter as seen in later chapters.

This woman is so strong. She trusts God to provide even if it means moving to a strange land with her family. She loses all the important people in her life. She hears God has provided for her people and heads back to her homeland. Even later she helps Ruth to provide for them and carry on the family, helping her have new happiness.

My mother in law is the most amazing woman. I was friends with her before dating my husband and I still believe we are friends to this day. She is so bright and upbeat. If it is God's will one day and we have kids, I want to raise them to be like the wonderful people all her children have turned out to be. She reminds me of Naomi. She has taken me in like a daughter and I have had less doubts being in my own strange land with her here. I really see the love of God in her. I aspire to be able to shine the light of Christ like she can. She always seems to be happy, seeing the joy in many situations. She is a rock in my life and I love her as I do my own mother.

God, please help me to see the light in the dark places, to trust in the path you have sent me on. Please help me to be a woman of faith, trusting in you, leaning on your strength. 

Reminders

borrowed from https://www.unexpectedelegance.com/diy-clipboard/

This.

This text has been "haunting" me since I found it yesterday. It is a reminder. One I have all too forgotten. It's so easy to get caught up in daily life. So easy to forget and struggle through this life.

There have been a lot of things going on the past few years.

Jeff and I got married.
Jeff lost his job.
We bought a house
He got hurt at work and couldn't help provide.
He had to go back to school in the end after already struggling to make ends meet.
Jeff found he loves what he is doing in school.
I totaled my truck.
Work has not been going so well for me.
Jeff is on the job hunt.
and on and on....

Seems for every up there is a down. Every time something goes right something else goes terribly, terribly wrong. In big ways. It's exhausting. To live in the fear of both the good and the bad times. It has made me always scared. Scared of the good times because I know that then comes the bad. Scared of the bad times because sometimes along comes worse. And anxious. Oh, so anxious. Places and event I used to love taken from me as a monster of fear grows inside my chest.

And anger

Anger at myself. Anger at others. Anger at God. Why? Why would a loving God put me through so much? I don't understand. Life has become about going through the motions. Attend work. sleep, eat. Repeat. Avoid church, crowds, friends. Repeat. Isolate, cry, be angry. Repeat. A never ending cycle.

And then in all this, I see this is not who I am and certainly not who I wanted to become and cannot be someone I stay. Honestly, I could not have come to this realization on, my own. Now, I see it as God's hand. With the help of some very important people in my life, I am begining to see me through their eyes.  And let me tell you it isn't pretty.

I. am. a. mess.

Quite literally. What happened? How did I let it get so far? The fear has literally been choking the life out of me. The anger at God, making me unable to feel Him, anywhere. Not even in worship and songs where I used to feel so close. The words, empty. The crowds, terrifying. The devil, plotting. Whispering to me his lies. Fanning the flames of anger until my heart is almost consumed and turned to ash. Ever present. Ever terrifying.

But then this verse hit me like a slap in the face. "The LORD your GOD will be with you wherever you go." With my demons, He is there. Through the anger, He is there. Through the fear, He is THERE. Here I am feeling so alone, afraid, empty. And God is there patiently waiting.

SO here is to trying again. to rebuild, restart and renew my relationship with God. I know what to do and how but the habits, they died out long ago. Quiet time with God. Reading His word. Pouring out my soul to him. And trusting Him to lead the way and work in my heart. I have filled my life with so much stuff and packed it full that I didn't realize how much I was missing and for how long.

So hears to new starts. I think I'll start with Ruth. Fitting for how I feel. A stranger in a new land with few family and familiar with no one. She trusted God to take care of her and He provided a way. I'm jealous of her trust. It's such a hard thing.

"Be strong and courageous"

And here I go. Pray for me friends. I need all the help I can get

~Mandy

Prayers and Answers - God's work in my life

It's amazing how God opens our eyes in the most wonderful ways. For those who think God does not speak to them, please take time to look a little closer, reflect a little more... take some time to dig deeper and BAM! there it is like a snowball in the face, pardon the Winter reference (maybe more like unexpected sunshine in this rainy weather then??). It's funny when it happens and I don't even notice and than later I think back and think how could I not have?? The thing that sparked these thoughts was reflecting on how dynamically my life has changed in the past few years, and especially in the past year. I have been praying a lot about my life and the path that God wants me to take. In response I got a beautiful answer :)

During my devotions a couple days ago I came across this verse:
"Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”" 1 Corinthians 15:33

Ummm WOW! How true it is. I have had many people I used to call my friends in the past couple years that I have come to realise that there is something desperately wrong. I used to hang out with friends from work and it seemed common place for the swearing and complaining and overall bitterness that seemed to follow with hanging out with them. We were vicious and cruel about not only others we worked with, our bosses, the customers, but also about friends that weren't present. It is SO easy to get caught up in all the "hype" and join in. If you who are reading this are thinking "hmm this desn't sound like Mandy at all" then you are... WRONG. I got caught up, I'm ashamed to say, in ALL that. It was becoming a living bitter poison in my veins that was taking over and changing the person who I used to be. I was angry, vindictive and yelled a lot.

Last year I went to Campfire! for the first time in my life. It really opened my eyes to the importance of surrounding yourself with the right people. I had an awesome week with one of my amazing friends as my co-counsellor and really saw what living a life of Christ was. This happened in August but still I hung on. I hung onto the "friends" trying to convince myself that I could go back in and protect myself against that. I hung on like I was drowning and these people were my only lifeline... I was so convinced that I needed them. I was like a moth to the flame, attracted by all that was so wrong for me.

In February I "lost" one of these so called friends... the one I was closest to, the one who started this poison flowing through my veins trying to take over my heart. I was crushed. I was so caught up in my own life, my friends that my values and what was important to me changed SO much it scared me. I was truly lost. Thank God for the GOOD friends He has sent me, ones who care about me, how I am and what is best for me. I'll tell you more about them a little later.

It's amazing how this one event caused me to drop that "lifeline" I was so attached to. The one that I needed above all else to have because I was scared to be without it. I feel free. I have changed who I hang out with and what I do with my time. It feels like doors are being opened in different areas of my life. I now know God will show me where to go. I still have to be careful which doors I take. Sometimes there is a wolf in sheeps clothing among all the right choices. One that looks so good and harmless but will tempt me to go back to the person who I was.

Now for the good in this post of truth. Listed in no specific order are the one's who mean the most in my life:
Emily is a teacher at ECHS and one of my closest friends. She has seen me through a lot of different crazy things in my life. Thank You Emily. Don't ever change and I need to come visit you more :)
Janese is my cousin and another REALLY good friend. She rocks my socks and I rock her pink soccer socks. Its amazing how someone who has been around all my life, means so much more to me now then she ever did before. Thank you Janese for being your amazing cheery self and for being the other half of our crazy blonde duo <3
Andrea is my twin. Ok not literally but she pretty much could be. She is getting married in October and that means some time together where we can get crafty and get stuff ready. Thanks Andrea for being awesome and yesterday was fun :)
Erin is a blessing in my life that I cannot do without. Even though we only see each other for coffee once and a while, when we are together it just feels good :) Can't explain it :) Erin you are super fun and I totally want to spend more time with you in the future. Thank you for helping open my eyes to certain things :)
Kim H another teacher in my life. In more ways then one... She teaches at school but she also has fun and  teaches me how to look beyond the surface of things. Thank you Kim for being a big part in my walk with God.
and newly added :) Johanna is a friend that I am getting to know more. She is hopefully moving closer next year which is awesome and I'm super excited for it. Jo I am looking forward to getting to know you more :)

There are SO many other friends that I have and if I could list them all I would. I'm afraid if I tried to list all them from memory, me being the forgetfuly person that I am would forget someone influential and all around fantastic and then I would feel bad. Thank you to all of my friends. You mean more to me then words can say and God bless you all.

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up." Ecclesiastes 4:10a