Reminders

borrowed from https://www.unexpectedelegance.com/diy-clipboard/

This.

This text has been "haunting" me since I found it yesterday. It is a reminder. One I have all too forgotten. It's so easy to get caught up in daily life. So easy to forget and struggle through this life.

There have been a lot of things going on the past few years.

Jeff and I got married.
Jeff lost his job.
We bought a house
He got hurt at work and couldn't help provide.
He had to go back to school in the end after already struggling to make ends meet.
Jeff found he loves what he is doing in school.
I totaled my truck.
Work has not been going so well for me.
Jeff is on the job hunt.
and on and on....

Seems for every up there is a down. Every time something goes right something else goes terribly, terribly wrong. In big ways. It's exhausting. To live in the fear of both the good and the bad times. It has made me always scared. Scared of the good times because I know that then comes the bad. Scared of the bad times because sometimes along comes worse. And anxious. Oh, so anxious. Places and event I used to love taken from me as a monster of fear grows inside my chest.

And anger

Anger at myself. Anger at others. Anger at God. Why? Why would a loving God put me through so much? I don't understand. Life has become about going through the motions. Attend work. sleep, eat. Repeat. Avoid church, crowds, friends. Repeat. Isolate, cry, be angry. Repeat. A never ending cycle.

And then in all this, I see this is not who I am and certainly not who I wanted to become and cannot be someone I stay. Honestly, I could not have come to this realization on, my own. Now, I see it as God's hand. With the help of some very important people in my life, I am begining to see me through their eyes.  And let me tell you it isn't pretty.

I. am. a. mess.

Quite literally. What happened? How did I let it get so far? The fear has literally been choking the life out of me. The anger at God, making me unable to feel Him, anywhere. Not even in worship and songs where I used to feel so close. The words, empty. The crowds, terrifying. The devil, plotting. Whispering to me his lies. Fanning the flames of anger until my heart is almost consumed and turned to ash. Ever present. Ever terrifying.

But then this verse hit me like a slap in the face. "The LORD your GOD will be with you wherever you go." With my demons, He is there. Through the anger, He is there. Through the fear, He is THERE. Here I am feeling so alone, afraid, empty. And God is there patiently waiting.

SO here is to trying again. to rebuild, restart and renew my relationship with God. I know what to do and how but the habits, they died out long ago. Quiet time with God. Reading His word. Pouring out my soul to him. And trusting Him to lead the way and work in my heart. I have filled my life with so much stuff and packed it full that I didn't realize how much I was missing and for how long.

So hears to new starts. I think I'll start with Ruth. Fitting for how I feel. A stranger in a new land with few family and familiar with no one. She trusted God to take care of her and He provided a way. I'm jealous of her trust. It's such a hard thing.

"Be strong and courageous"

And here I go. Pray for me friends. I need all the help I can get

~Mandy